In my own words

You taught me the best things in life are free
But wanting them has made me the enemy
Why do you see me as the unfair judge of your  flawless character
cos I dared to request that u priotise my calls at midnight
 You simply pronounced me a "nobody"
just one of many you can't tolerate lashing at you

 

How do I make u see
That complaint is not critique
That my tantrums do not amount to condemnation
That my frown in disapproval don't mean we must call it quits
I wish i knew the right words to tell you
So I'd never be the victim of your self defense


How does every utterance of mine
trigger a reminder that you're standing at d door.
That you're ever so ready to throw it all away in a battle to safeguard your threatened ego
The determination I can spot even from three attempted calls and your last sms
I plead the fifth...you've won not knowing so
I may rant and hope but I end up settling for a kiss and hug...little things that matter most


I just wish that someday you'd see
That this jealousy emanates from the heart of a woman who loves you
That missing you is why an unanswered call will bother me
That my desperation to let you into my thoughts is borne from what I feel for you deep within


I don't want to live my life in constant fear that my words will push u away....so scared I'd attempt being mute just to make you stay.
I can try but then I fear that u may never comprehend the simplicity of my heart's desires.
That your love will continually discard my thoughts as insecurities
That you will constantly disregard my feelings and term my wants "the trivial"


I wish you could stumble into my shoes and walk in them long enough to understand...
this pain I feel each time you suggest the door...cos u don't know just what it took to be here.
Yes, right here...where I stand,staring in that direction
waiting on you to shut the door
...walking away just to prove that you can
I'm too tired to fight...too weak to cry


You may know alternatives ,but I know choices.
I  made my choice...I chose you
...I just doubt if that will ever count.

Stronger!

It must be these words you resound in my ears
Urging me to move on when I know not how
It must be your strong arms
Guiding my paths…so I may not falter
For how do I explain that however narrow that path
I manage to wriggle my way through
Who is this me, strengthened and undaunted overnight
I stare in amazement, continuously stunned by this fight in me
emanating from nothing that I know…nothing I understand
Every setback has become an inspiration
The pacifying wind after the storm
The calmness borne from yet another nightmare
Many times I fall and grope unsteadily
Striving for dreams, seemingly resorting to nothing
But again…that darkness gives way to light
A clear restoration of so much more than I ever hoped for
I know not this me…but I remain in awe
Because undoubtedly a stranger lives in me
A valiant warrior that has truly taken over
Urging me to walk in shoes I always feared I’d never fit into
Leading me on…even until today…five months later
Who is this stranger?
Who is this new me…
Who are you?
Helping me pass through life’s unpredictable journey
Holding me up….
Making it worth every day
…just so you’d know…
I’m thankful!

Post Study Work...My Dilemma (Part ii)

…Every single hearing felt like the last but it was only just the beginning. I should have known, from the minute the home office challenged the decision that had been made in my favour that I should only expect the worst. Their argument was that you haven’t gained a qualification until your certificate had been issued. On the other hand, Post study work policy guide clearly stated that in the event that the certificate had not been issued, a letter from the school would suffice but No, these people were bent on arguing with each other whilst I remained the victim of their confusion. I was grounded in the UK, my life was on hold because I couldn’t travel anywhere until the saga was resolved.

It had been eight long months since I began the battle and I suddenly got tired. I lost the will to fight and my spirit of adventure left me. I could go on and on with them as I stood a very good chance since I had eventually received my certificate in the process, but even that which was meant to be a reminder that I would win the battle, constantly reminded me that I had completed my mission in that place. Yes, that place that I dreamed about until the very minute I got there. That place that I once felt lost in but eventually became my home. I can’t believe I thought of it as home. That city, called London that was once my favourite destination.

Everyday was a new experience and every experience taught a lesson. The buses, the trains, the tube maps and even the long walks all played a role in my journey through the big city. Sometimes it was fun and laughter, it was satisfaction and peace but there were times that all I felt in that place was loneliness. I actually learnt the true meaning of that word in London….but I was used to it regardless. London had become a part of me until they deprived me of my freedom to travel around, especially to my very own Nigeria. Then it all became pointless, what exactly was I fighting for? Why did I have to imprison myself in that place, a society that has failed to welcome me even as an international student? Why was I struggling to be a part of people who were so willing to kick me out even though I had clearly obtained my degree? Who says I need two years of permission to work my ass off in their country before I started off my career? I was sick to my stomach of the several hearings with the so called judges and the home office representatives. I was sick of being stuck in the UK,I was sick of that place and all it had to offer, I was sick of that city I once loved, and at that moment in my life, I was certain that London had left me. How could I think of it as home…when it was clear that home was away?

The 14th of May was my fourth and next hearing. I had bought my ticket back to Lagos for the 15th of May because my mind was made. My things were packed already and irrespective of the verdict, I was returning back to Lagos. The hearing actually turned out to be the same exhibition of ambiguous legal terms and a misinterpretation of their own` policies. I had nothing to add because I was done arguing with them. I just wanted to hear what and if they had any last words. Well just as I thought, they were just a bunch of time wasters who were themselves so confused and have lost track of the original basis of the arguments. Once again, the case was adjourned and unlike the times I cried because I wanted to get the bloody work visa over with and be able to visit home, this time I smiled because I was walking out of that place never to return. I realised I was never in bondage, I only chose to be the mercy of the home office. I was free at last. I had eventually set myself free.

I retuned back to Nigeria on the 16th of May and I can’t really complain. I’m not sure about the things I miss in the UK but they are not very many. One thing is for sure though; I don’t miss the 550 pounds I had to pay monthly for my tiny apartment neither will I miss the cold and lonely winter. I made a couple of great friends that made my stay out there worthwhile and I miss my colleagues of two years of working at TFL. Saying goodbye wasn’t very easy, but sometimes it’s the key to your happiness. It was definitely the key to mine as home has become where my heart is. Things are even much better than they used to be. Well, there hasn’t been much light but hey...it’s my home, I’m loving it and I can only hope for the best. I start a new job on the 3rd of August and it’s about time because I’ve been playing and having fun since I got back. I will fill you in on that bit soon but for now…im getting ready for some seriousness and I thought to update you guys since I have been MIA for too long.
Thanks to all who have looked out for me and been wondering what eventually happened. It’s always a great feeling to be back here in blogsville…Watch this space!

Seconds of Doubts...

When I was young and free...
I so looked forward to the day when I would find IT
Just like in the movies, just as I have read it...
And from the very first until B I believed every moment was IT
Then B came and showed me how I was so wrong about the others
That he was IT and there could have been no other.
IT was beautiful, a feeling like no other but IT’s light grew dim
So I lost faith in IT and gave IT up cos I began to believe, there was really no IT
I grew older and wiser and learnt to make the most of every moment
Not caring about IT, No longer believing in any such thing as IT

Then one day I made a wish to a friend and that was IT
I found IT; maybe we found IT,
Just when and where we weren’t looking
I didn’t ask for it, I just wished it, quietly too,
Like the many impossibilities I had hoped for
Even when I knew it might never come to pass
Seemingly it’s happening and to me, isn’t it,
Is this really IT?

The beauty in what we share
The reality of what might become the rest of our lives
The assurance, that assurance that comes from every note in his voice
The voice that has caressed the very words that have held me captive
Too good to be true
The promises made for today and the many days ahead
It’s even most amazing…How we anticipate, despite its uncertainties…
That tomorrow we barely know yet have so readily planned for
I’m sure, most of the time….that this has to be IT…
But then it blows again every now and then
That wind of doubt…Not strong enough today
But loud enough cos my hears keep pick up the sound
The sound of the ‘what ifs’ and Maybe(s)
What if this isn’t it…Then I pray that I survive IT,
Maybe I’d never get over IT, if this isn’t IT
I’d be back to the plan, knowing and believing that there is no IT

I’d make up my mind cos I will be so done,
Done with that myth about cupid and its so called Love
I will look out for other things and make the best of Life
The future will be a plan we will both work out as partners
With one goal of building and keeping a family together
We will nurture special feelings and find love with our kids and family
I will say yes to one my favourite suitors at the time and just move on
This will become perfect plan for me,
Since I’d be convinced there is no IT. This passive plan will become IT.

But for Now… this passive plan, I have chosen to put away
For the sake of this moment that surely feels like IT.
This moment that feels so perfect and so pure.
It’s a life changing phase and all I want is to continue basking in the brightness this love has brought into my life.
I’d stay positive and despite these few seconds of doubt ….
I’d keep wishing, hoping, praying
That maybe…just maybe…
This surely is IT

"Post Study Work"....My Dilemma!

“The post-study worker category allows us to retain the most able international graduates who have studied in the United Kingdom (For two years). It also enhances the United Kingdom's overall offer to international students.Post-study workers are free to look for work without having a sponsor for the length of their leave.The category provides a bridge to highly skilled or skilled work. If you are granted permission to stay as a post-study worker, we expect that you will switch into another tier of the points-based system as soon as you are able to.
Who can apply as a post-study worker?You can apply under the post-study worker category now if you are:in the United Kingdom with permission to stay under the Science and Engineering Graduates Scheme (SEGS), International Graduates Scheme (IGS) or Fresh Talent: Working in Scotland Scheme (FT:WISS); or in the United Kingdom as a student, which includes students, student nurses, students resitting examinations,and students writing up a thesis, and want to switch into the post-study worker category”. (homeoffice.gov.uk)

This journey began in October(2008) when I handed in my passport to the home office as I had almost rounded up my dissertation and thought it was pointless asking for the extension of my student visa. I had put in all the required documents to the best of my knowledge and a supporting letter from school as it was a requirement of the home office in the event that my certificate was not ready. However in November I received a Notice of refusal based on the fact that the Home Office was not certain that I will obtain the degree until they got a letter from my school stating that I had passed my Msc. This was a clear contradiction against their policy which stated that I was entitled to apply as a student writing up a thesis...

Fortunately, as at the time I received this letter, my dissertation had been marked and my school had a sent my transcripts and results. The Home Office had given me 28 days to appeal against the decision so I did just that and requested that I wanted to be present at the hearing.

I was invited to the hearing on the 8th of January 2009 and I’ve never been happier that I was there to defend myself. The so called home office representative sat there using his elaborate terms and referring to all irrelevant decrees in the constitution. The Secretary of state represented the Judiciary and asked me if I could defend myself. I presented to him copies of my transcripts and results which I had previously faxed to him and the home office respectively. I read out the reason for the refusal as stated by the home office and explained that I think it should be dismissed since I had fulfilled all requirements. He asked if the Home Office representative had received my results in the fax. The Home Office representative said he had but again he read out a part of the policy stating that the document the Home Office required is actually my Certificate. Then again I pointed out that at the end of the statement he had read to suit his selfish claim, it was clearly stated that a letter from the school explaining the present circumstance will suffice. The Secretary of State asked him if I was correct and he was forced to agree. I also pointed out that i shouldn’t have been refused in the first place because even as a student writing up a thesis I was entitled to 'post study work’. I read out that part of the policy and the Home Office representative asked for the page I was reading from. He looked lost...even after I had showed him. The Secretary of State then decided that he was quite unfamiliar these new policies and he can see that so is the Home Office representative. He said he needed two weeks to look through the policy and he will inform me of his decision in the post.

On the 14th of January 2009.I received a long letter from the secretary of state. He literarily tongue lashed the home Office. He said the home office should have spared him that irrelevant appeal especially since they had received my results prior to the date. He believed that adequate attention wasn’t given to my application in the initial Stage and even after they received my appeal. He therefore allowed my appeal on the basis that the decision on the home office was unlawful.

I must say that I was more than impressed. For once, I thought that the UK had made a decision devoid of bias and discrimination. A few days later I rang the home office saying that I haven’t heard from them with regards to getting my Visa. I was told that the Home office had a right to appeal against the decision of the judge. Truthfully I believed this was unlikely especially after that kind of letter from the Secretary of State but i still asked what I was to do if they appealed. I was told at that stage it would be strictly between the judiciary and the Home Office and i would be notified of the decision by post. I was advised to wait a few more days until I receive further information from the UK home office.
....Then a few days ago I received a letter from the Home Office with just one clear sentence:

“Notice of appeal to review the tribunal’s decision”

I'm so shocked...I would have thought that home office had more pressing issues than victimising international students who have paid thousands of pounds to study in the UK.I have obeyed the rules and i have worked only 17.5 very week and I have completed and passed my course of study? it’s not even graduation yet and they are fighting so hard to throw me out .Why do they want to rob me of that which I rightfully deserve. I haven’t come this far to be tossed about like an illegal immigrant. I couldn’t travel to Nigeria for Christmas. This weekend, I’m going to miss my regular tradition of spending my birthday in a country I’ve never been before. I can’t do anything cos I suddenly don’t have a real status; all I have is this stupid letter saying that says I have the legal right to remain in the UK until the appeal is granted. I thought it was over...I have mixed feelings now...Maybe I should just go back home instead of remaining in a society that barely wants me...but then again, I think to myself that I must see this fight to an end...What will be the Verdict?...What's the meaning of this nonsense?...What happens Next....

Her Story 2008!

She remembers you, can’t believe that you are gone ‘cos oh how she remembers you!
It was that January; the symbol of hope and the promise of a better day.
She closed the doors to 5 years, thought she deserved better so braced herself and began the chase, the race for a better day.

Then came February, her very own month of birth
Everyday was a fairy tale. The ‘water bearer’ and ‘Aquarian has never known greater joy
She had enough of it all. It was joy, peace, friendship, love and fun at its best.

Happy days that continued in the month of March even more so that Fab holiday back home
Joy from the unending the calls and anticipation of a return to open arms
Open arms it was in April but this bliss was uncertain.
Too many questions and an endless wait for ‘Answer’ to knock on her door. It was a long wait from May even until June.

Then she couldn’t, she couldn’t help it anymore. So she went in the direction she had gone several times before. She had heard that unmistaken voice again.
The needy cry of a voice she had always harkened to; the voice of one that was always there and refused to let go of her hands ‘cos he knows she’s always be there.

They were best of friends, her brother from another mother; cat and dog but they wiped each other’s tears. She had premonition so she prepared and thought she was ready for the day, the day when things would change.
Until then, she would stay happy and make the most of the June, a month of celebrations and pleasant memories that linger till date.

July came with the Rubicon, the bond was broken and it was time, about time to part ways!
The hardest goodbyes are the ones said with very little words…
She was shaken but strength came from a better day! That day January had promised but forgot to prepare her for.
Yes January forgot to tell her that amidst these many promises, there would be words unkempt and goodbyes that would sadden her very heart.

August came with a breath of fresh air and gave her Norway; it gave her fun in Africa but still it gave her emotions going back and forth.Then she found her comfort zones in a friend and partner in crime. She was happy again. She could laugh, even so loud, that despair made its way home and gave way to the opening of closed doors.

September and October were days to take the chance and seize opportunities.
Someone took a chance and squeezed his way back to a favourite spot, one that not even distance could take away from him. So once again a new bond was formed but with so many doubts and unclear expectations. The present seemed fine judging from endless conversations on the phone but the trick of reality would lie on time spent when and if eventually they do!

November had its fair share of surprises some were pleasant and some disappointed her but strength had become her middle name so she bothers no more.Especially not about a friend so quick to paint her black despite the love she had for her or the one that thought to give the silent treatment despite her trying to make amends, she stopped caring especially about the one who the tagged her the enemy even after her kindness in a time of financial need.
She has resolved to put herself in the forefront at all times for the first time.

December became her Hero so she refers to him as a man. He gave her confidence like never before,
Whilst they searched for a way, he gave her choices,

Whilst they prayed for one lucky day, he gave her countless opportunities.

Even when she missed the little games with J, She was surprised by an inexplicable connection with a stranger she called X.X turned out to be a buddy, a friend, a fairy tale; he gave her companionship she best describes as a mystery. Unlike many, X says he can’t be there always but when he is, he promises perfection emanating from alliance with a higher being. Ordinary people don’t make such impressions so she holds on to the smile he’s left in her heart in anticipation that sometime soon he’d pass through again, to leave soon after but leaving her with yet an even bigger smile.

Finally she has assurance from TM which she never leaves out of her prayers, a reminder of his undying commitment despite her inconsistence. How Queer! But it was December, December thought her that some people are and will always be Heaven Sent! December stood for her victory as she was doing just fine with all the love that surrounded her. She was right where she wanted to be.

Indeed, 2008 came at her in so many colours so she thought to send messages to 2009.

On seeing January she said ‘Hold me and please prepare me better this time’. She asked to retain this smile on her face and continually keep her promise of better days.

She said to tell February that she will always be her favourite and she believes that she will always bring the warmest wishes and a great time.

She asked of March that same jolly feeling but this time in anticipation of love that’s guaranteed

She'd like to remind April that plans have been made so she mustn’t fail

She’s so expectant of May and will grace her coming even from ‘day one’ with a celebration of life and a success story

She wants June to know that she still has a premonition but this time it’s about good tidings and the News that would gladden the hearts of many

She begs July to be kind and easy on her this year for she stands prepared but not for sad goodbyes but only for joyful days

She knows that August is a comforter and will give so many more places to go, but not just for succour but so that she may explore the beauty of the world

She prays that September and October will be her companions and promise unconditional friendship. Bonds will be strengthened and even more closed doors will become ajar.
She patiently awaits November’s surprises but this time she asks that they all be pleasant. She asks to retain ‘Strength’ as her middle name but this time she begs to be at peace with all persons.

To December, she says thank you again knowing he will live up to expectations and round up her year with the fulfilment of all that she desires. She thanks him for the being the Hero and the one who be there to Congratulate her for triumph over the many lessons of her everyday life in 2009!
HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!

Broken...

In a world of my own
Too many complications
Too many uncertainties
Suddenly sick of being here… Yes, each finger points me back the way I came

Still I’m confused;
too confused to entertain company
Too lost in my own thoughts and engulfed in my emotions

I’m tired. So tired…too tired of caring too much for others
I know they cared,...oh! maybe not...They all hurt me
Worse still... not knowing how much so
Maybe I’m unnecessarily sentimental
But everyone chose d same target;to hit me where it hurts the most

So here I am…Standing at a crossroad
With a heart too heavy ...a heart so weary

I have too many decisions to make

I’m Torn between hope and dread

So withdrawn, so worried, so pained

So stuck with this drama I call my life